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Satyendra Thakore
THEIR DEEP COMPASSION You ask me how my contact with Sri Aurobindo and the
Mother started and when. Well, it is difficult to fix it. All that I would say is
that when I was a small boy I remember standing as a volunteer witnessing a
procession in Surat of Sri Aurobindo and the other national leaders of that
time. Later as a student in the college I had occasions to read the Master's
books like Yoga and its Objects, Yogic Sadhan, Isha Upanishad, etc. My
cousin (who later became Adviatananda) was a regular subscriber to the Arya
and held Sri Aurobindo in very great regard; he introduced me to the writings
of Sri Aurobindo. I was deeply interested in the deeper side of life from my
very childhood. What I read in this, literature strengthened my aspiration and
filled me with happiness. It was while going through the Yoga and its
Objects that one day I saw a golden sun rushing at me and pulling me out
through the forehead centre. It was the first of such experiences that started
during this period. The Arya volumes came to me in an
interesting way. I was once travelling in a local train and had the Essays
on the Gita in my hand. Seated opposite to me was a Maharashtrian lawyer
who queried what book I was reading. On coming to know that it was Sri
Aurobindo's work on the Gita he said that at one time he had been interested in
the Arya and had in his possession the whole set excepting some five numbers.
He offered to send the volumes to me as he was no longer so much interested in
them and had taken to a study of Tukaram his works being more simple, less
complicated, suited to his taste. And he kept his word. Later when I came to About nine months after the experience of the golden sun,
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I was lying quietly one night. Suddenly I
became conscious of something bright and luminous in the form of a serpent with
jewels studded on it, lifting and moving its head upward. Word came to me
(which I heard distinctly )saying, "It is death." I said "All
right" and immediately I found myself above and outside the body, but not
in my subtle body. I was conscious of myself as an entity of white light in the
form of an egg or a lingam; I was conscious of the night around me and the
stars above. A little later I came down into the body with a thud. From then on
the feeling that I am not the body has been always with me, even if not always
on the surface. It was in 1922 or 1923 that I
met my first guru. He was a householder living a simple life and I had been to
him along with a few friends. I remember that when I bowed to him and he patted
my back there was a deep flow of peace and joy through his fingers. When I
looked at him he said something cryptic in Gujarati which I can only roughly
render as "maintain the Love." Subsequently I sought initiation from
him which he was pleased to grant. At that time he asked me to see the guru in
everything. He also added that both the guru and the disciple are in the same
boat that is being piloted by the Sadguru, the Lord. The same night I had a
thrilling experience and it was this. I saw the guru coming towards me in his
subtle body. He entered straight into my heart and described a circle with a
small wand which he had in his hand and light flooded my heart accompanied by a
sense of purity and joy. I had many meetings with him but this is not the place to speak of those details. Suffice it to say that he clearly told me that sanyas was not for me and so I went back to my college for the studies that had been interrupted by my impulsive turn to spiritual life. The next memorable meeting with the guru was in 1928 in a dream. As he was coming, I heard the words: "He is coming to bid you goodbye. This is the severance of the link." He sat down and I laid my head on his lap and wept and wept.
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I
should have mentioned that he had passed away two years earlier, i.e. in 1926.
And though the link was snapped in 1928 this way, I had occasion to have his darshan again in 1932 when I had gone to his place at Godhra, where I met his
niece for the first time though I had heard about her earlier, as specially
devoted to him and who had received the most from him. I had not long to wait
for confirmation of her status. For, in the evening when we were sitting in the
courtyard below a neem tree and she was singing a bhajan in that half-lit
place, I saw his beloved self standing behind her with a curtain of white light
in between. I rubbed my eyes and made sure he was there. I have not seen him thereafter. * Sometime in 1928 there was an interesting
experience. I saw vividly a personage dressed as a Rajput coming towards me on
a phaeton drawn by two white horses. He told me, thrice, "surrender to the
Mahamaya." One night, in a vision, I saw the Divine Mother
standing in front of me about twelve feet above the ground. But I did not see
her full figure, I saw only her dark blue legs up to the knees. She had worn
golden anklets and the soles of her feet were lotus red. I saw a silk cloth
descending from her right side, — the kind of cloth she wears in traditional
worship. At the instance of certain friends I applied for
permission to Sri Aurobindo for the Darshan of There were, however, one or two striking vision-experiences which revealed their meaning to me later. The first was the
Page -3 vision of two feet with golden anklets.
While seeing them I had the distinct feeling that they were the Mother's feet.
The second experience came to me in response to a telegram I had sent to Sri
Aurobindo and the Mother conveying some good sentiments after I was refused
permission for Darshan in November, 1932. I saw a marble staircase rising in
front of me up to 8 or 10 steps then taking a turn to my right then turning
again arising straight up into infinity. I saw a lady swiftly descending from
its invisible top and coming and stepping in front of me at the first bend. She
opened out her arms wide. Her face was European and her dress of the Greek
type. It was difficult to judge her age, but no doubt she was young. This scene
has remained stamped on my consciousness even four decades after. It was in 1934 November that a friend wrote
to Sri Aurobindo asking him whether I could come for the November Darshan that
year and the request was immediately granted and I came for Darshan. On the
3rd or 4th day of my stay here, as I was lying down at night I had a peculiar
experience. It was as if someone was drilling a hole in my head. In a spiral of
light I saw a little figure entering through my head, entering into the heart
and stopping there in the heart. Immediately I recognised the figure to be the
same lady with a European face that I had seen two years earlier. During that visit everytime I approached
the Mother for Pranam I experienced a strong impulse to give and give. If I had
a gold button on my shirt I would take it out and place it at her feet. If
there were a few coins in my pocket I would do the same thing. I could not resist
the push. *
You ask
what was my experience at Darshan of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother. The moment I
had sight of him from a distance, there was a surge of emotion and I strongly
felt that I had known him for ages. There was such a joy that
Page -4 I could not contain myself and I embraced the man who
was in front of me. When my turn came, Sri Aurobindo looked at the Mother and
Mother looked at Sri Aurobindo and he nodded. Before going back I met the Mother. She asked a few
questions about myself and then asked "Will you come here?"
"Yes, Mother" was my answer. And it was not long before I was back. *
Once while
speaking of some of my difficulties, I had asked Mother if she saw any
possibility in me. "Yes, even exceptional possibilities", Mother
replied and added: "would I have called you otherwise? There has been a
descent of the Divine Will in you." I do not need to speak here of the various
visions — some of them prophetic, some symbolic — that I had during my stay
here after I came finally February 1935; nor is it necessary to speak of the
experience of the vast infinite that was given within a few years of my coming.
The particular experience was this: A vast golden light with white masses in it
descended and touched the crown of my head, then receded. At that moment of
contact I became aware of its quality of peace, joy and freedom — each particle
dancing with joy. As a result, perhaps, soon afterwards I saw
the heart lotus standing upright with some petals fully open. And then in a
total stillness of the outer being I saw and felt the cool presence of a
brilliant white flame, the size of a man's thumb deep within the cave of the
heart. This repeated itself for two or three days. I wouldn't say, with you, that I have
arrived. Far from it, very far still. But the Grace of the Beloved Two has
given me a feeling of certitude that my feet have touched the path that leads
to Truth. And I hope and trust that my spiritual future, as that of the
race, is safe, quite safe, in the hands of the
Page –5 Well-Beloved whose love and compassion know no bounds
and whose will has the sanction of the Supreme. You may, if you like, see some of these letters from the Mother and Sri Aurobindo. They will give you an idea of their deep compassion, love and grace which have been vouchsafed to me in abundance. And I am no exception.
some answers from the mother
1935
Q: To talk of surrender is easy, very easy indeed. To think of
surrender in all its complexity is not
easy, not so easy at all. But to achieve even the beginning of a genuine
surrender of self, O! how difficult it is. Mother! There are many things wrong with me, I
know. But there must be something fundamentally wrong that stands in the way of
my genuine surrender to you. What is it. Mother? A: Nothing special to you. It is the same difficulty that exists for all human beings: pride and blindness of the physical mind.
1936
Q: There is an old Hindu belief that one
should not lie down or sleep with one's head towards the North. Has it any real
significance ? A: Many things have been said on the subject but, as far as my own experience goes, I do not attach much importance to that belief.
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You must know that yoga frees us from all
subjection to the horoscope; the horoscope expresses the position one has in relation
with the material world, but by the sadhana we get free from the slavery to
that world. 1937
I want you to ask freely what you need ....
From
your mother you can always take, it is quite natural, especially when things
are given to you full-heartedly — and am I not your mother who loves you? .... * Q: Though I do not understand my own nature and its highest needs, I feel that you know me better than myself and that my life and its aspirations are safe in your keeping.
A: Yes, my will is to lead you to the realisation of your highest aspiration.
Q: And though I do not know what true love
is, I love you in my own crude way. May I offer you my love such as it is? A: Your love is welcomed and receives the
answer of our love and blessings. * Q:
How I long for the day when I can truly feel and say that my one desire and
happiness in life is to love and serve you. Will it come to pass ?
Page -7 A:
I see no reason why it should not! * You can be sure of my love and
affection — and my help and force will never fail you. 1938 I
always mean what I say. *
I know that it
is only the weak who complain. The strong never do because they can't be hurt.
So I never attach much importance to complaints. *
Has the psychic flame any correspondence to the Vedic Agni?
They seem to have more or less the same chief/qualities. A:
Yes, these are two names for the same thing. * Q: Lead me to Thy own home in Truth, Mother. I offer Thee my will of progressive submission and increasing adoration.
A: The way is opened, my dear child, and I am
waiting for Page -8
you
with my arms wide to receive and enfold you affectionately.
* Q: I also want to come to you, for in your arms alone will I have peace and joy and Ananda and the true truth and fulfilment of my life and being. But still the way is not clear to me. And how shall I be ever able to climb to your dizzy heights with the heavy chains of a mortal's nature pulling at my feet?
A: Let me carry you in my arms and the climbing will
become easy. * Q: Here is my pledge. Mother. I place the whole responsibility of my life into your hands. Now do what you like with me. Carry me in your arms, if you please. Whatever happens to me, in me or around me, I shall try to have the faith that it is your Will, Divine Will, that it should be so, but that I am always safe in your arms. Yes, Mother?
A:
Yes my dear child. * Q: How shall I ever repay you for your exquisite act of love. Mother? You are very, very kind to your little child who loves you and is happy.
A: My dear child, live in my love, feel it,
be filled with it and be happy — nothing can please me more than that. *
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Q: I am your child first and last and the work that I do has no other value for me except that through it I can serve your Will, except that through it I can grow to be a better and truer child to you ....
A: Yes, you are my child and it is true
that of all things it is the most important .... Dear child, I am always with
you and my love and blessings never leave you. * Q: On my last birthday, your parting words to me were, "Keep your faith." I am still wondering what exactly you meant. What kind of faith would you like me to aspire for ?
A:
Faith in the Divine's Grace and its power to transform you. * Q: Dear Mother, every day
you are growing more and more lovable and adorable to me. By what divine
Mystery do you cast this sweet spell on us? A: The only mystery, the only spell is my
love — my love which is spread over my children and calls down upon them the
Divine's Grace to help and protect. * Q: You send me
your love and blessings everyday of late, and in rare blessed moments I do
sense that we are always surrounded by your love. But as for a real response,
my heart
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seems to be made of stone, otherwise, why should it refuse to open itself to your love ? The more you shower your love, the more I feel ashamed of myself... I have ho power. Thy will be done.
A:
Nothing can resist the steady action of love — it melts all resistances and
triumphs over all difficulties. * Q: Open my entire being to your love. Purify my being of all sensuality and take me in your Arms. Otherwise I will surely be lost.
A: To lift you out of the ordinary vital
nature, my love and help and blessings are always with you. I * Q:
My most humble salutations to the Lord and my very special love and greetings
to the Divine Mother for the coming
darshan.
A: Remain quietly and joyfully open on the 24th to receive the special
Light, Love and Force which will be given on that day. 1939 Q: I know your love and blessings are always with me and I sometimes wish you had not been so invariably kind and gracious to me. For, it makes it still more hard for me to tell
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you that there are difficulties of my nature which make it difficult for me still to accept you and your yoga in the requisite spirit. And without this what is discipleship?
A: It is not as a Guru that I love and
bless, it is as the mother who asks nothing in return for what she gives. * Q: It was very sweet of you to tell me that yours was the love of the mother who does not ask for anything in return. That is all right for you, for yours is a self-fulfilled life. But I have yet to achieve everything, yet to justify my human existence. I have yet to know my soul and my self, to know and love the Divine and above all to have the vision of the World-Mother, Mahashakti, who will know what is best for me. Then how can I do without a Guru who will lead me to Her Feet?
A: I do not see anybody in the world more
qualified than Sri Aurobindo to lead you at the feet of the Mahashakti. * Q: There happen to be bad sons now and then, but a bad mother never.
A: But what a joy and love it is when
both mother and son are good! My love and blessings to my dear (good) child.
* Q: I know you mean well, but to be good, truly good, may
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be possible only for those who have gone beyond all egoism. But if my mother chooses to see only the good in her child, that only speaks of the goodness of the Mother's heart.
A:
My child's heart is filled with love and light from the Divine, let them shine
throughout your whole being and the clouds, if any, will soon disappear. * Q: I have approached Thy feet with great hopes, 0 Mother, and let it not be said that I had to return empty-handed.
A:
My love is always with you, let it fill your hands and your heart, let it
fulfill your aspiration. *
My love and
blessings, help and protection to my dear child whom I would like to see always
happy. * (On receiving a pot of pickles from the Mother)
Q: You overwhelm me with your love, dear Mother. I do not deserve one iota of the kindness you show to me, but then what shall I say to you, you whose very nature is an overwhelming divine love ? Your love itself is a priceless gift Why then these other gifts?
A: There is a great joy in
giving; there is a still greater joy in pleasing those we love ... and when you
will eat the
Page-13 Pickles you may remember me and think, mother loves
me….
* Q: Dear Mother, in the lotus of my heart may I have your lotus-feet permanently installed on the throne of love.
A: My dear loving child, your heart is
quite a sweet place because of your love — let me remain always there so that I
may fill your whole being with light and love and joy. * Q: In the sweet recesses of my hearts chamber
I have always been aware of an instinctive belief that you are an Avatar of the divine Mother whom I adore, but
whom I know not except by Her lotus-feet. That is the reason why my eyes seek
Her in your lotus-feet and my heart yearns to press them to itself knowing them
as its sole refuge.
A: Let the Light of a conscious certitude
and the joy of the everlasting Presence be always with you—concretely —in the
sweetness of love divine. * Q: Will you kindly tell me, dear Mother, if
you love me truly and genuinely in spite of my poor humanity or is it all an
experiment? I feel ashamed to pose such a question to you, but I hear the word
experiment used so often and in such a variety of ways that I feel frightened
and would like to hear from you personally if you are not merely experimenting
with us. Page -14
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